Jen Re-Loaded?

I just got finished watching "16 Kids" on the Discovery Channel. The Duggar Family~here's their website~http://www.duggarfamily.com/default.php~live in Arkansas and have 16 kids ranging in age from 17 to 6 mos. This includes 2 sets of twins. They are homeschooling, skirt-wearing, home church, type folks and if you Google them, you get oodles of opinions of people who either think they are wonderful or terrible. The arguments against mainly stem from the idea that it doesn't seem possible for two parents to spend any one-on-one time with that many kids. There are also lots of arguments which seem to take more issue with the fact that the kids don't date and the girls wear skirts all the time. The arguments in the pro camp keeping coming back to the "Children are a blessing" idea.

After watching this family~which BTW is WWAAAYYYYYYY more calm and organized than I am~and reading lots of opinions on what is the "correct" family size, my brain is fried. It also hit pretty close to home. Tim and I are presently embroiled in the "Should we try for one more baby or close up shop for good?" discussion. This is really a hard one for us.

First of all, I have never had a baby when we planned to. We struggled for years with infertility and were very close to adopting at one point. I have a hard time making the decision not have more when I wanted them so badly.

Second, when Tim and I first got married we both really wanted 4 kids. I have no logical reason why but 4 just seemed like a nice even number. Tim only has one sister and wished for a larger family. I never wanted 3 because in my family someone was always left out. Sometimes it was my brother cuz he's the only boy. Sometimes it was me cuz I'm the oldest and was out of the house before they were even in high school.

I hate being pregnant. I puke, I swell, I get huge, I get cranky, I just hate it. I also do not do well in the postpartum period. I had a really hard time after Greta. I am trying to realize that even worst case scenario it's 18 months of my life.

So here I am with 3 kids and pushing 35~the magic number where you become and "older mother". To top if off, we have the all one gender card. Personally, I love having all girls and would hope for one more. I'm not a fan of suprises so I'd like to stick with what I know. Tim would love to have a son~as I think most of us have that desire for a child of our own gender~but he is very realistic about the idea of having all girls. He is not bothered by it and actually takes his role as girl daddy very seriously~which if you know Tim it is one of the few things he is serious about! I just don't want to deal with the rest of the world's input on the gender of my kids. Like it is a tragedy to have all boys or girls.

So we have not come to a decision yet. I know for many that in and of itself is the decision! So for a few more months at least, the baby factory is open. Sort of.